Satirical essay by: Mariah Studebaker

My esteemed colleagues of the National Regulatory College Admission Boards Board,

I bring before you a proposal that is sure to aid in our everlasting goal to effectively enlist the youth of our country into higher ranks of education and scholastics, according to their merit and preparation. It has become quite apparent within the last few years that our methods have become lax in regards to student selection and we must develop new ways, through our ingenious discernment and practical knowledge of the standard of college now a days, to ensure that deserving students are placed in the correct educational facilities.

I propose to you, an overhaul of the current system for determining admittance. The system currently in place has proven highly inefficient and is clearly out of touch with the students we are handling. I declare, we have erred in our attempt to “understand the person”. Indeed, what good is that in determining their readiness for higher education? We must take a new initiative of quantification and standardization so we can truly grant the best educations to the best students.

It has come to my attention that high school seniors are only being required to take one type of standardized test. Though, in the past, that has served our committee adequately, I propose that it is time to increase the amount of tests in order to fully assess the mental capacity of the masses. Through complicated and tedious application components on our general application we have been able to separate the persistent, dexterous thinkers from the lazy and incompetent, but there is always the doubt that these applications may have been primarily completed by parents or guardians who have already achieved higher education. Putting all students on the same plane of grading guarantees that they will all be compared equally, our researchers having recently learned through surveys and aptitude tests that individual ability is highly overrated when determining collegiate merit.

We must of course maintain the heir of interest in unique personalities, though they bare no real weight in our decision making process. As part of my proposal, I suggest in requiring supplemental writings, we must increase the broad obscurity of prompts and decrease the amount of words in which they can express their responses. This will be a far more helpful tool in determining their writing ability and will save us the time when pretending to read them. Letters of recommendation may also be given more directed ambiguity so as to ensure that the witnesses of student’s merit are not merely submitting template letters with names inserted, falsely proclaiming undeserved accolades.

Lastly, I call the board to consider a higher monetary fee for application submission. The best of society deserve to be rewarded with the enlightenment that a college degree provides. We need no plebeians in the hosts of our educated utopia. If the fees cannot be paid, the students were probably not brought up with much education in the first place. Scholarship requirements must be made more exclusive, in order to maintain as much profit from tuitions as possible. We owe it to the students to send them to colleges that have strong finances.

I submit these thoughts as a peer, a colleague and fellow earner of college degree. It is our responsibility to maintain the esteem of college admittance and provide all deserving students with the education they have earned. I ask that you consider these thoughts.

Mr. Duts

Graduate of Pleasantville Public Community College